Thor: A Snark

Background info, for those who don’t know: In the latest string of superhero movies, Thor is the first to be about a god. Based on the comic book character of the same name, the movie tells the story of an arrogant but powerful god of thunder who must learn what it means to be a true warrior, and a true king.

See, now if the movie had really been like that, this wouldn’t be a snark. Beware of massive spoilers!

The movie starts out with Natalie Portman playing what looks like a tornado chaser, while she and her friends/colleagues, (including the math teacher from Good Will Hunting) and a teenager, race into a swirling storm of some kind, only to hit the protagonist with her car.

Could happen to anyone, I’m sure.

Apparently, hitting a guy with a car doesn’t carry much importance these days, because we cut to Odin (played by Anthony Hopkins), Thor’s father, narrating. He tells us that his kind have been protecting all these worlds from the threat of the Frostgiants, a people consisting mostly of average, humaniod creatures that look like The Nightcrawler’s cousins. Odin even protected Earth from their advances, by pretty much decimating the entire people.

Despite this awesome act, forgetful humans eventually don’t even remember what Odin did for us! He brought “peace to the universe”! His homeland is peaceful, even the home of the frostgiants is quiet…peace, peace, peace, peace, peace.

Did he just not notice all the wars that have been fought on Earth in all this time? Or is he letting us fight each other for shits and giggles?

Aaanyway, turns out this was just a bedtime story (innit wonderful when children go to sleep after tales of slaughter?) and we are introduced to a young Thor, and his brother, Loki.

Srsly. Loki looks nothing like any of the other people, let alone his family. He is so very obviously adopted, and I’m sure this won’t lead to anything vengeful, predictable, or stupid, later. Nope. No chance.

Fastforward x number of years, and we are at the day of Thor’s coronation! BUT, before you get all cozy, the Frostgiants attempt to steal an artifact Odin took from them long ago. Though, I have no idea why they need it, since their powers seem to work just fine without it. They’re stopped in the end, but Thor is pissy they got so close and ruined his big-boy day.

Thor wants revenge, Dad forbids it, and Thor goes to his friends for help in attacking the Frostgiants. And I could not tell you his friend’s names, no matter how much you asked, because that’s how big of an impact they made. There’s one who loves to eat, a tomboy, a martial artist, and a sort of pirate. Anyway, Loki is there too and he ‘inadvertently’ gives Thor the idea to defy their father and attack the Frostgiants on their planet.

I say ‘inadvertently’, because obvious villain is obvious. I mean, his fuckin’ name is LOKI. God of mischief, anyone? Add in the fact that everyone else is so sparkly they put Edward Cullen to shame, while he is small and in dark clothing, and I don’t think anyone above the age of five will be surprised by his later actions.

So, Thor endangers himself and his friends, because he cannot take being called a princess. I totally expect one of his friends to die so the movie can say it was edgy without people being too upset, but nope, Odin comes in to save the day when the kids are overwhelmed. The Frostgiants openly declare war, and Odin brings Thor home, berating him for his stupidity and rash action. As the two argue, Odin declares that Thor is not ready to be king, and takes away his powers, throwing him down to Earth as a human. He stores Thor’s power in his hammer, saying that only “one who is worthy” will gain the power, and then throws that down to Earth too.

Ummm. Wouldn’t it be better to keep that up with you, since you’re at war and all? Clearly Odin can wield it just fine.

Soooo, we cut to the beginning of the movie, and discover that, LOL, Natalie Portman wasn’t running over an indestructable GOD, but a normal buff human! Hilarious.

Turns out Portman’s name in the movie is Jane, and she’s an astrophysicist, she was studying the storm, when she ran into our exiled God. Anyway, she and her friends tumble out to see if they killed the guy. Jane, ‘I Know What You Did Last Time There Was A Freaky Storm’. Prepare to die by hook.

But no, Thor, despite being hit by a CAR, is fine. And, even though they just hit him with a car, the other girl gets freaked by his behavior and tasers him…which for some reason knocks him out.

…Tasers don’t knock you out. They IMMOBILIZE you. You’re awake the whole time. I know its done in a lot of movies, but check the almighty google machine if you don’t believe me.

On the upside though, this means he’s quiet. 😀 I’m tired of his forced arrogance.

Blah blah blah, highjinks insue (“I am THOR GOD OF THUNDER!” “Lol, no.”) The people of Earth find Thor’s Hammer, and a contest akin to that of The Sword In The Stone ensues, where everyone brings their beer and tries to pull it out. I’m not kidding. A bunch of hicks in pickup trucks come and have a barbeque while all their manly men try to pull the hammer from the ground.

SHIELD shows up to ruin their fun, and sets up a facility around the hammer in record time. Wow, out of all those people, no one was more worthy than arrogant Thor? Humans suck. 😦

More highjinks, as Jane hits Thor with her car again (who gave this woman a license? Its not like Thor is hard to spot!) and Thor discovers the wonders of coffee and pop tarts. Jane tries to teach him some manners which is…remarkably easy. Wow, he was so arrogant I could literally see her breaking a sweat when she told him to not do something and HE LISTENED. Anyway, SHIELD comes to take all of Jane’s research on the strange storm/wormhole (which leads to Asgard, apparently) and Thor promises he’ll get it back for her when he goes to get his hammer too.

Meanwhile, back on Asgard, Loki discovers that he was (GASP) adopted! He is in fact a Frostgiant (again, why are they called this? Most of them aren’t that big!) that Odin found in the aftermath of the war and took home in hopes of someday uniting both peoples.

Loki is all “WAAAH YOU ALWYAS LIKED THOR BEST AND NOW I KNOW WHY”

Anyway, the shock of Loki’s anger and sadness makes the powerful Odin…faint.

Apparently this is the Odinsleep. Okay.

……

……

…..

Uh, y’know, just giving it a name doesn’t really tell us what it is. Is it a coma? Some kind of hibernation? Must he wait for True Love’s First Kiss? The way everyone is talking about it, either they were expecting it or this has happened before. Thor may be arrogant (well, sort of), but at least he stays awake in a crisis!

Anyway, this meas Loki is King. Dunno why, since they have a perfectly awake Queen, but whatevs. And then he decides to go to the King of the Frostgiants, telling him that he has a chance to kill Odin now, and revealing that he was the one who let in the Frostgiants during Thor’s coronation.

I am so startled right now.

Thor tries to break into SHIELD’s facility, but when he reaches the hammer, he is unable to lift it.

Well, duh. Did you not hear your dad when he said he was taking your powers, and that only someone worthy could use them? That means he thinks that YOU ARE NOT WORTHY.

He’s captured, and questioned by the agents. Loki comes to visit, using his magic to disguise himself as another agent. He tells Thor that their father is dead, and that Thor has to stay on Earth…blah blah blah…wish something interesting would happen…

Jane’s friend/professor/father figure comes and gets Thor out, and Thor spends another day on Earth, while he and Jane make big eyes at each other.

Odin’s friends-whatever their names are- don’t like Loki as King and convince the Gatekeeper (played by Idris Elba, and who is honestly the only character I like so far) to let them Travel to Earth. Loki, discovering their plan, sends a sort of destroying robot after them, to kill them and Thor.

Can you feel the brotherly love?

Maybe not, but I can sense the yaoi fanfictions coming.

Blah blah, the robot beats Thor’s friends easily (guess Thor’s the only really powerful one, despite his friend’s reputation as warriors) and Thor sacrifices himself, which I guess means he’s worthy now (especially since he’s stopped shattering coffee cups) so the hammer becomes a magnet and flies into his hand.

THOR IS BACK, BABY.

He defeats the robot as easily as the robot defeated his friends, and flies off to Asgard, after kissing Jane and promising that he will return.

“Oh woman that I have known for two days….how I love you…parting is such sweet sorrow…!”

Back at the shiny Oz replica that is Asgard, Loki betrays the Frostgiant king, killing him, so that he looks like a hero and his father will love him, despite the fact that he already loved him.

Loki also plans to destroy ALL the Frostgiants (guess blood isn’t thicker than water, huh?) as well as the Bifrost bridge that lets them cross to other worlds. Don’t know what the rest of them did to piss him off, but whatever.

Thor shows up, they fight, and Thor destroys the bridge to stop Loki’s plan. Odin, sensing the distress of his sons, wakes up, and flies over to save them from falling off the edge.

Loki, unable to face his father’s disappointment, lets go of Thor’s hand and lets himself fall into the abyss.

Which would be sad, if I didn’t know that he survives (how is anyone’s guess).

BUT, this means out lovers of two days are separated! D:

…at least, until The Avengers comes out.

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2 thoughts on “Thor: A Snark

  1. Tyler says:

    Nicely written… Now I know I didn’t miss anything when I chose not to watch this

    • soraina says:

      Ha, thanks. No, no you did not. I saw it on the off chance that it would be better than Pirate of the Caribbean 4, but at least in that movie Johnny Depp could have been funny enough to redeem it slightly. 😛

      Haha, nice ‘e-mail’, by the way.

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