Wizards of Waverly Place

I hate this show. I hate it.

Ahem. Sorry, had to get that out at least once before I started.

Anyway, Wizards of Waverly Place is a television show that airs on the Disney Channel (leave now while you still can!) about a family trying to live a normal life. Only problem? All three of the children are wizards. The father used to be one too, but he gave up his powers so that he could marry his wife. Now he trains his children as best as he can, and one day the kids will have to fight each other to determine who will keep their powers. Add in the fact that they have to deal with all the normal stuff teenagers go through, and the show is a wanna-be hilarious mash of annoyance and one liners.

Episode One: The Crazy Ten Minute Sale

Oh boy, an episode about a teenage girl who just HAS to get that outfit. Glorious.

Look, a disclaimer for you all: I just got out of high school. Its not like I didn’t know girls like this (can you tell I wasn’t one of them?), its just that in television, they shouldn’t be the heroes, and their behavior and the length they go through for selfish reasons shouldn’t be waved away with a sort of “oh, you” moment. Its not funny. Its fucking annoying. Especially when their actions ARE called out, and then they don’t learn anything from what they did.

Anyway, the show opens with the dad, Jerry, trying to teach his kids some sort of duplication spell on a rabbit.

To which the youngest son, Max, says the only funny line: “Leave them alone long enough and they’ll duplicate by themselves.”

Anyway, the older brother Justin, who is supposed to be the no fun-teacher’s pet-perfectionist, does the spell and for some reason the rabbit he makes…barks. Alrighty then. Then, despite the fact that his dad just watched him do the spell, and that he set up the rabbit himself, Jerry gets confused about which is which for several moments while a laugh track plays.

Why do I have a feeling that they play that so the creators can assure themselves that somewhere, SOMEONE, could be laughing too?

Oh boy, here comes my favorite: Alex.

The middle child, and the selfish, rude, obnoxious teenager who would rather get a jacket at a store than learn MAGIC. Look, they’re not trying to teach her math here. If she learns magic, she could learn to teleport herself directly to whatever store she wanted! Or if she felt like taking her time she could fly there! How am I supposed to have sympathy for a girl whining about how she can’t go to a sale when the alternative is learning how to make stuff out of thin air?

I hate this girl. She thinks she’s funny and clever when she’s not, she treats her family like shit, she always does what she wants for her own selfish desires, damn the consequences, and she hardly gets called out on it. When she does, she says I’m sorry and does another stupid, selfish, mean, thing in the next episode. She is a BRAT.

Brb, raging.

Anyway, her dad says no, Alex, pouts, and we get the theme song, lyrics posted here for your viewing pleasure:

Well you know everything’s gonna be a breeze
that the end will no doubt justify the means
You could fix any problem at the slightest ease
Yes, please…
Well you might find out It’ll go to your head
When you write a report on a book you never read
With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed
That’s what I said

Everything is not what it seems
When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams
You might run into trouble if you go to extremes
Because everything is not what it seems

Everything is not what it seems
When you can get what you want by the simplest of means
Be careful not to mess with the balance of things
Because everything is not what it seems

AKA: I can do whatever I want, suckas, but to make the moral people feel better I’ll try and make it sound like that could possibly be considered a bad thing.

After the song (and a commercial break for the lucky ones who aren’t watching this on youtube like me) we cut to Alex at school, and are introduced to her best friend Harper, who, unlike Alex, manages to not annoy me completely in the first few minutes, but she still says some dumb jokes.

Turns out the reason Alex wants to go to the ‘crazy ten minute sale’ so badly is to show up a mean girl named GG. I’m not sure how going to a sale ‘show’s up’ another girl that will be at the same sale…is Alex supposed to buy more clothes or something?

Anyway, as Alex is telling Harper that she can’t go, Mean Blond #1 (AKA: GG) shows up, wearing a skirt that would never be allowed in any of the schools I’ve been to. Its an obnoxious scene where their hair flies out behind them while they do their ‘I’m so much better than you’ walk, and then, LOL its revealed to be because of a fan behind them!

Only, with how the fan is positioned, it should be blowing their hair in their faces.

Blah blah, the girls all take digs at each other (why is the blond girl always the mean one? All the mean girls I knew had varying hair colors) about their clothing/appearance. GG’s minions for some reason are wearing bandages on their noses, and- HOLY FUCK THEY GOT NOSEJOBS TO BE LIKE THEIR LEADER.

This is accompanied with adoring looks at GG that seem to go a little beyond normal girl awe. As in, “EVERYTHING I DO IS FOR YOU DON’T LEAVE MEEEEEEEE!”

This shit, is why I hate how teenage girls are portrayed in most media. We’re not all fucking off our rockers, thank you, and wouldn’t you rather watch the ones that are sane?

Anyway, after more oh so mean comments, GG leaves, and Alex vows to find some way to go to the sale.

This is so riveting, folks.

We get a short scene of Max with his dad, talking about getting a wand, and his dad tries to give him the kind of wand you would see a magician with a top hat wear. There’s some lame bantering, and more laugh track.

Why would I want to see a TV show about a girl who wants to go to a sale? Where is the excitement in that?

Alex decides to duplicate herself with magic, and again, for some reason, the duplicate barks. If that was what I really heard from Alex’s mouth, I wouldn’t care so much about her talking. Alex heads off for the sale, unaware that her mom is also heading there. Oh the tension, it burns.

Blah blah blah, Harper is silly and dresses silly, Alex’s mom tries too hard to be ‘cool’ (As with the blonds, I’ve known few adults that actually do that) and Harper must find ways to make Alex and her mom not see each other, AND DEAR GOD THERE IS A LAUGH TRACK AFTER EVERY SINGLE LINE.


Okay, only a little more to go. I can get through this.

In a subplot, Max must try and get his dad to believe the duplicate is Alex, and he accidentally breaks his dad’s wand. To which he says: “Either I broke dad’s wand or I just cracked my butt knuckle.”

Well, on that note, the sale starts, “hilarity” ensues by Alex and GG searching for a jacket they both want, while both Alex and Harper dodge Alex’s mom. Back at the house, Alex’s dad Jerry says her willingness to give up shopping to study magic is commendable, so she is now allowed to go to the sale. He discovers her deception when the duplicate fails to respond. What’s the use of these things if they just sit there, staring?

Dear god this is so boring.

Have I mentioned that it has strange transitions in the vein of ‘That 70’s Show’, too?

Max gets his new wand, and uses it on the duplicate, unwittingly causing the real Alex to do the same things the duplicate does (hitting itself, spinning wildly) and I have to admit I could watch Alex hitting herself for HOURS.

Jerry comes to bust Alex, Alex finds the jacket she was searching for, and decides to get back at GG by saying over the store intercom that GG’s real name is Gertrude. How…embarassing? I guess?

Alex is grounded, apologizes despite not really learning anything, and as we go into the credits we get an extra scene of her father asking Alex to duplicate him so that he can go dancing with his wife, and catch ‘the big game’ on TV. What, can they not record? And why would he want her to do that, when so far all the duplicates have been stupid and barking? And why were none of these jokes funny? And why is Alex the main character when I would really rather watch the rabbit than her and listen to her stupid, selfish, bratty voice and annoying character, and god damn do I want to see Harry Potter or Hermione Granger kick this bitch’s ass-


For me, anyway. If you ever see this show pop up on TV, know that you’ll have more fun watching a plate revolve in the microwave.


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