Beowulf

A basic backstory: The tale of a hero named Beowulf, who defeats the monster Grendel that his terrorizing a Mead hall whenever people have parties. Grendel’s mother is still around, and so Beowulf finishes her off too, just to be tidy. Eventually he becomes a King of the Geats in Sweeden. After a long time ruling, he is  killed by a dragon and buried respectfully, having been a good and strong king.

Oh, wait, that’s the epic poem’s story. Here’s the 2007 movie version:

A CGI hero named Beowulf defeats a poor and deformed creature, and goes to finish the job by killing its momma. Only to discover that the deformed creature inherited the father’s looks; Grendel’s Mom Has Got It Goin’ On. He fucks the demon hottie, goes on to become king with a wife who can’t stand him since he’s unfaithful, and ends up getting killed by his own son the demon hottie gives birth to years later.

They use the term ‘based on’ pretty loosely these days don’t they?

Anyway, the film starts out with Beowulf being macho and competing in some sort of swimming contest, just to prove he’s awesome and can’t be defeated. Tales of his awesomness travel pretty far, and soon King Hrothgar (voiced, and…based, I guess, on Anthony Hopkins, since everything is CGI,  yet they try really hard to make it look like the actors in costume) calls upon Beowulf to come and save his Mead Hall. Guess the Sweedish really know how to party. Turns out they are being terrorized by Grendel, a creature that looks like a melting ET, with a physical handicap that makes him suffer horrible pain whenever he hears loud noises, hence why he went after the Mead hall.

King Hrothgar, is chubby and drunk, but has a beautiful wife (Played by/modeled after Robin Wright Penn) who Beowulf openly flirts with. Anyway, they throw a party to draw out Grendel. These guys  could give frat boys a run for their money.

Grendel, in serious fucking pain, shows up, trying to stop the noise before his ears start bleeding.

Jeez. Already I’m feeling sorry for this thing, and it looks like a melting candle with limbs.

Anyway, because Grendel has no weapons, Beowulf decides to fight it…naked. Alrighty.

The next few minutes turn into Spot The Cockblock, and I mean that in the literal sense of the word. Desperate to keep their PG-13 rating, the people behind this movie found many MANY hilarious ways to block Beowulf’s penis from view, including and not limited to: A Candle, arms, a wooden beam, the hilt of a sword, and the winner: spilling blood.

I’m not kidding. Actually, that was the most fun I had during the movie. Unfortunately, none of the man-butt was blocked.

Anyway, Beowulf discovers Grendel’s weakness to sound, and exploits this, actually punching out his eardrum, ugh, and then proceeding to tear off his arm. Jesus, all Grendel wanted to do was file a noise complaint!

In all seriousness, I watch this poor thing slither along the ground, using the last of his strength to crawl to his mother’s home, and I really really do not want it to die. I mean, it literally couldn’t help it, the sound was destroying him, and now…

Grendel dies in his mother’s arms, and she swears revenge. Back at the Mead Hall, Beowulf celebrates his victory, and King Hrothgar awards him with a golden drinking horn of some kind of importance that I don’t really care about or catch.

In the night, Grendel’s mother comes and slaughters all of Beowulf’s men; Beowulf and his friend are only spared by not being present in the Mead hall with the others. As a result, they swear to kill Grendel’s mother as well. For some reason only Beowulf goes in the cave where she lives (cause he’s so awesome he doesn’t need backup I guess) and she appears: the horrible demon hag who murders people and killed all his men. She is so going down-

-on the cave floor so he can fuck her properly.

She offers to make him the greatest king evar, totally you guys, if he’s willing to give her another son to replace Grendel, and if he lets her keep the drinking horn he was just given. Beowulf is all:

And forgets about his slaughtered men, gettin down and dirty with the woman who’s son he just murdered. I also feel the need to mention that she seems to have pointy heels, like high heels, I guess because it makes her legs sexier, but one would hope guys would be slightly disturbed by pointy heels of skin, no matter how hot her legs were.

Anyway, he emerges from the cave, claiming to have killed her. When he returns, Hrothgar realizes he didn’t kill the mother, and implying that he fell into the same trap and was in fact Grendel’s father. Turns out this is why his wife doesn’t sleep with him, and aside from the whole cheating thing, I can’t blame her. Obviously Hrothgar’s genes suck ass. Hrothgar gets depressed, announces Beowulf is king (giving him his wife to boot) and commits suicide very suddenly.

Fast forward x number of years, and we find Beowulf is still king, roughly in his fifties or sixties, and hey, his wife refuses to sleep with him just like the last king because he slept with a water demon. A fire demon would be another matter, of course. So, Beowulf has a pretty blond concubine to keep him busy and say flattering things.

Some slave finds the horn Beowulf gave Grenel’s mother, and brings it back. The mom claims this violates their agreement years ago and slaughters a village, leaving only one alive to give the message to Beowulf that she is coming…with his son, who just so happens to be a golden dragon.

^ Clearly, this is what Beowulf has.

Anyway, Beowulf and dragon fight, Beowulf sorta patches things up with his wife, and is all: “brb, gotta go kill my son” and this part is sort of cool if only for the dragon. The fight goes on for a bit, Beowulf gets his arm caught in a chain around the dragon’s neck, cuts off his arm, cuts out the dragon’s heart, and falls to the ground. He is mortally wounded, and manages a few dying words and to clap the son he just killed on the shoulder before he dies.

Like seriously. Dude.  After you killed the son of the previous king, fucked the mother of said demon, which led to the king’s suicide, you have now killed your own son. Why the fuck are you clapping his shoulder? “Way to die, kid. I’m so proud.”

Blah blah blah, Beowulf is given a funeral, and his buddy, who’s name escapes me, is selected as king. Grendel’s mom shows up to put the moves on him, and-

-its over?

Huh. That was…abrupt.

And yet…I don’t really care.

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