I’m a bit late in jumping on the bandwagon for this one, aren’t I?
However, recently when pursuing movies to rent with my sister, she suggested that we watch Breaking Dawn. She’d seen it in theaters and assured me it was incredibly bad, but thought we might have a fun time making fun of it. In between staring at it in rage and horror of course.
Can you tell I’m not a Twilight fan? Unless its this one of course:
Because this has interesting characters, settings, a storyline, is creative, fun, and-
Ahem. Moving on.
Now, before I get any Twilight fans in here screaming at me about how this is the greatest thing since waffles (which, no. I’ll take light and fluffy things draped in syrup over dreary, monotone, overdramatic, anytime, lathered in syrup or not) I have in fact read all of the books. Every single page of them. When I was fourteen, I liked the series well enough for a few months, but my liking had considerably waned by the time Breaking Fail- I mean, Breaking Dawn- came out. However, I figured “what the hell” and read it anyway. At the time I liked aspects of it, but not too long afterward I started finding jokes about Twilight on the internet. Rather than getting offended like I might for some of my favorite series, I discovered that not only were the jokes and criticisms funny, but also very very true. So, I know every plot point there is. I literally know what I am talking about when I say I don’t like it. I don’t care if you like it- you’re welcome to. But I don’t.
And this movie gives me plenty of reasons as to why.
Literally in the first fucking minute of the show, Jacob The Werewolf’s shirt comes off.
Look, its not like his abs aren’t nice or anything, but it just gets ridiculous after a while. If you know that the only reason some people are in the audience is to see him with his shirt off, at least be honest about it and do something like this:
Well, it turns out Jacob was taking off his shirt so he could transform into a wolf and run away from the looming prospect of Edward and Bella’s wedding.
I know Jacob. I’m scared too.
Following this is something to truly be afraid of- Bella has a dream about Edward. While this would normally frighten me anyway, this is stepped up a notch by a truly creepy scene, where after walking down the isle, Eddy killed everyone.
For those who haven’t watched the series before, this is literally the first time Bella has ever shown any fear of this prospect. I guess she thinks that he wanted to marry her first before killing all of her friends and family?
Anyway, we cut to the day of the wedding. To be honest, the decorations are gorgeous. Outdoor weddings are always pretty, and it really does look good here. We see Bella being made up for the wedding (she looks like someone spent ten minutes on her, while they spent hours decorating), with Alice. So far, all that has come out of Bella’s mouth is complaints, and worries that she is going to be sick.
God damn. You could at least muster a little excitement. Everyone’s making a huge effort here, and this is your fucking wedding. Would it kill you to smile?
God, I hate her. Anyway, Bella’s dad Charlie comes in, and he’s pretty awesome. He wasn’t a big character in the books (going back and forth from ignoring her to being caring) but he’s always sweet and loving in the movies. He even manages to make me laugh, as when he walks in and everyone stares he says “I know. I look hot.”
And honestly? He sort of does. He’s better looking than Eddy-kins anyway.
In any case, Bella doesn’t appreciate her dad at all. They even have a cute moment where she says “please don’t let me fall” and he responds that he never would. That’s legitimately sweet, unlike anything Edward or most of the other characters have done.
So, they go outside to start the wedding, and- dude, is it fucking daylight?
It is! Holy shit! For those that don’t know, Twilight “vampires” are supposed to sparkle in the sunlight, and they usually skip town on sunny days (since sparkling=vampire to humans, rather than fabulous). But that looks a lot like sunlight to me, and there are no sparkles in sight. Fail movie. You failed to even follow your own mythos.
Moving on! The Denali Clan, who are friends of the Cullens and one of the few that drink animal blood rather than human like they do, are visiting down from Alaska and look…really really creepy. Again, all those who drink animal blood apparently have gold eyes, rather than red like human drinkers do. Is everyone supposed to assume that they all wear contacts or something?
Whatever. If I point out all the plot fails this early on, I’ll run out of room for the real zingers later. Blah blah blah, they get married and don’t smile still, blah blah blah, all the friends and family start giving speeches, and there is a truly strange moment from Bella’s human “friend” Jessica, when she’s talking about Bella snagging Edward “Or, as I like to call him, The Hair”.
No, seriously, that’s what she says. What does that even mean?
Again, moving on. Jacob shows up as a surprise for Bella. “Now everything’s perfect”, she says, because now she can fuck with his emotions, and that’s what Bella does best. They have a dance scene, which again, is much more natural and cute than anything we have seen her do with Eddy-kins. AKA: lots of face stroking, looking pained/constipated, and making out.
Anyway, Bella lets it slip that, like an idiot, she’s still going to be a human when she and Edward have sex, despite the fact that Edward could kill her if he looses his head in a situation like that. Jacob, because he’s actually nice, is freaked out that Bella would risk that, not that Bella The Bitch deserves it. He almost transforms into a wolf because of his anger and worry, but is calmed down at the last minute and stalks out.
Bella and Edward leave on their honeymoon, which is in Brazil. Nice, subtle shot of the giant Jesus statue by the way, movie.
They get settled in, and things get increasingly awkward as the two realize that they are going to have sex. Bella goes to freshen up, and Edward says “Let’s go for a swim”. In other words, “Lets have your first time in sandy water at an awkward angle surrounded by fish.”
Anyway, we get scenes of Bella brushing her teeth, shaving, and then sitting in the bathroom floor for what feels like hours.
She walks up to him, they talk for a minute, continuing to stare into each other’s eyes. Damn, he seems even less ready for this than she does.
“I promised we’d try,” he says.
They make out some, and then we switch to them in the bedroom (guess they decided Eddy might get it up inside), and oh god this is the silliest sex scene ever.
Not only does he break the headboard, but we get a lot of silly shots of them looking at each other, looking like they’re in pain, and then it fades to black. We fade back in a moment later to find Bella sleeping, feathers from the pillows floating around her. Because I guess Eddy-kinds shredded a few in the night.
Anyway, immediately after this, Bella flashes back to what we just saw, and starts…touching herself.
Eddy freaks out because she has a few bruises as a result of their headboard-snapping times, but while in the books she was described as having bruises pretty much everywhere, there’s only a few here, and honestly you can get bruises during normal, non-headboard breaking, sex.
Anyway, Eddy refuses to have sex with her anymore until he changes her into a vampire. Bella for some reason thinks this means she won’t enjoy sex anymore, and won’t let him. So, they are forced to actually spend time together.
They go swimming, scuba diving, watch movies, play chess-
And seriously, the chess pieces are red and white?
Okay, whatever. The point is, they actually spend time together, and its the first time in all of these movies, that they actually seem like a couple. They laugh. No, really, they actually laugh together. And its believable, not creepy, and verging on sweet! The montages of them acting like a couple in love are legitly cute, but then I remember that this is Breaking Dawn and I am sad.
Just wait for it folks. If you haven’t heard what happens next, you’re in for it.
Anyway, Bella I guess has her first wet dream and begs Eddy to have sex with her again. He relents, and there’s more weird bed-breaking sex.
The maids/handyman show up to clean up the mess they’ve been making of the bedrooms, and there’s some “GASP”-ing because the woman senses that Eddy is a vampire and freaks, running away. We also get a cut of Jacob that lasts about two seconds, and then we’re back to Bella, who is now throwing up.
Eddy-kins shows up, and Bella claims that she must have food poisoning.
While digging for some medicine or something in her bag, Bella comes across her tampons and realizes that she is late for her period, and therefore, pregnant.
No, you heard me right. Edward Cullen of the hundred-year dead sperm, impregnated Bella.
Bella seems to take the whole pregnancy thing rather well, as she looks at her stomach in the mirror, and notices that there is a slight bump. Then, the fetus moves.
Okay, okay, hold the fuck up.
This, is what her stomach looks like right now:
There is no fucking room in her belly for anything that would make that kind of movement right now.
Anyway, they call Carlisle, the vampire doctor, and Bella tells him what’s going on, while Eddy-kins is a dick and calls the fetus a thing, saying that they will get it out of her.
What the flying fuck, man? This is your child! Being worried about what could happen- fair, okay, but straight up telling your wife that you are going to abort “this thing”?! You asshole!
But, surprise surprise, Bella stands up to him for the first time ever, calls Rosalie and makes plans for the baby to be protected.
Cut back to Forks Washington, Bella is home now, and Jacob is coming to see her. Bella looks awful, because apparently the baby is killing her, and growing at a super fast rate. Despite it only being a few months, Bella’s basically ready to pop.
Edward convinces Jacob to try and talk Bella out of having the baby, offering for Jacob to get her pregnant after they abort this one if Bella wants a baby so badly.
God dammit, Jacob calls the baby a thing too. Well, fuck.
There’s a sort of council of Elrond-esque meeting for the wolves, all of whom are more freaked out about the baby, than the idea of a fully-vamped Bella for some reason.
Jacob calls it quits with his pack, creating his own, and two others (brother and sisters Seth and Leah) join him. Seth is sweet and nice, while Leah is actually relatable and has actual problems.
The other wolves declare war and surround the house. Esme (Eddy’s vampire “mom”) says that no one has gone hunting for weeks-
Wait. Uh, why? Do you all just wait until you are absolutely starving to go hunting? Isn’t that kind of dangerous?
Whatever. The baby has grown big enough to the point where it starts breaking Bella’s bones. Ew.
They discover that the baby wants to drink blood, and have Bella drink it so that the baby will drink it in turn.
Ew. Ew. Ew.
Bella drops the cup of blood, tries to pick it up, and there is a horrible sound of bones snapping as Bella folds backward, and starts giving birth. Its a really yucky, bloody affair, like most births, only in most births the father of the child doesn’t bite the baby out of the mother in a horrific version of a c-section.
The baby is a girl, who Bella names Renesmee (ugh), but a mere few seconds after holding her baby Bella succumbs to her injuries and starts to die. Desperate to save her life, Edward injects his venom into her heart, but it doesn’t seem to work and everyone thinks that Bella is dead.
Jacob, heartbroken, decides to kill the baby, but stops the moment her eyes meet his.
He suddenly seems to have a vision of the child growing up, and discovers that he loves her.
No, I’m serious. The werewolf has fallen in love with the half vampire baby.
I knew this was going to happen, and still, its just- AGH.
HOW CAN ANYONE THINK THIS IS CUTE?!
An adult male is looking at this hours-old infant and thinking that one day they will be lovers. That he loves her. That he will protect her and groom her to be his wife-
Oh god, so much RAGE.
Anyway, the wolves come, Jacob tells them that he has found tru wuv with an infant, no one is disturbed, and a few days later Bella opens her now red eyes, revealing that she is, in fact, a vampire now.
So, this is what all those movies of melodrama and face stroking have been leading up to- ripping a baby out with teeth, a werewolf falling in love with said baby, and a whiny teenager gaining immortality.
God fucking dammit.