Breaking Dawn Part 1 Snark

I’m a bit late in jumping on the bandwagon for this one, aren’t I?

However, recently when pursuing movies to rent with my sister, she suggested that we watch Breaking Dawn. She’d seen it in theaters and assured me it was incredibly bad, but thought we might have a fun time making fun of it. In between staring at it in rage and horror of course.

Can you tell I’m not a Twilight fan? Unless its this one of course:

Because this has interesting characters, settings, a storyline, is creative, fun, and-

Ahem. Moving on.

Now, before I get any Twilight fans in here screaming at me about how this is the greatest thing since waffles (which, no. I’ll take light and fluffy things draped in syrup over dreary, monotone, overdramatic, anytime, lathered in syrup or not) I have in fact read all of the books. Every single page of them. When I was fourteen, I liked the series well enough for a few months, but my liking had considerably waned by the time Breaking Fail- I mean, Breaking Dawn- came out. However, I figured “what the hell” and read it anyway. At the time I liked aspects of it, but not too long afterward I started finding jokes about Twilight on the internet. Rather than getting offended like I might for some of my favorite series, I discovered that not only were the jokes and criticisms funny, but also very very true. So, I know every plot point there is. I literally know what I am talking about when I say I don’t like it. I don’t care if you like it- you’re welcome to. But I don’t.

And this movie gives me plenty of reasons as to why.

Literally in the first fucking minute of the show, Jacob The Werewolf’s shirt comes off.

Look, its not like his abs aren’t nice or anything, but it just gets ridiculous after a while. If you know that the only reason some people are in the audience is to see him with his shirt off, at least be honest about it and do something like this:

And no, I’m not really interested in seeing this movie in theaters. I’d enjoy the abs, but its not worth all the rolling my eyes and laughing I’ll do at the rest of it.

Well, it turns out Jacob was taking off his shirt so he could transform into a wolf and run away from the looming prospect of Edward and Bella’s wedding.

I know Jacob. I’m scared too.

Following this is something to truly be afraid of- Bella has a dream about Edward. While this would normally frighten me anyway, this is stepped up a notch by a truly creepy scene, where after walking down the isle, Eddy killed everyone.

For those who haven’t watched the series before, this is literally the first time Bella has ever shown any fear of this prospect. I guess she thinks that he wanted to marry her first before killing all of her friends and family?

Anyway, we cut to the day of the wedding. To be honest, the decorations are gorgeous. Outdoor weddings are always pretty, and it really does look good here. We see Bella being made up for the wedding (she looks like someone spent ten minutes on her, while they spent hours decorating), with Alice. So far, all that has come out of Bella’s mouth is complaints, and worries that she is going to be sick.

God damn. You could at least muster a little excitement. Everyone’s making a huge effort here, and this is your fucking wedding. Would it kill you to smile?

God, I hate her. Anyway, Bella’s dad Charlie comes in, and he’s pretty awesome. He wasn’t a big character in the books (going back and forth from ignoring her to being caring) but he’s always sweet and loving in the movies. He even manages to make me laugh, as when he walks in and everyone stares he says “I know. I look hot.”

And honestly? He sort of does. He’s better looking than Eddy-kins anyway.

In any case, Bella doesn’t appreciate her dad at all. They even have a cute moment where she says “please don’t let me fall” and he responds that he never would. That’s legitimately sweet, unlike anything Edward or most of the other characters have done.

So, they go outside to start the wedding, and- dude, is it fucking daylight?

Real screenshot here, folks. I know, I wish they’d burn in the sun too.

It is! Holy shit! For those that don’t know, Twilight “vampires” are supposed to sparkle in the sunlight, and they usually skip town on sunny days (since sparkling=vampire to humans, rather than fabulous). But that looks a lot like sunlight to me, and there are no sparkles in sight. Fail movie. You failed to even follow your own mythos.

Moving on! The Denali Clan, who are friends of the Cullens and one of the few that drink animal blood rather than human like they do, are visiting down from Alaska and look…really really creepy. Again, all those who drink animal blood apparently have gold eyes, rather than red like human drinkers do. Is everyone supposed to assume that they all wear contacts or something?

Whatever. If I point out all the plot fails this early on, I’ll run out of room for the real zingers later. Blah blah blah, they get married and don’t smile still, blah blah blah, all the friends and family start giving speeches, and there is a truly strange moment from Bella’s human “friend” Jessica, when she’s talking about Bella snagging Edward “Or, as I like to call him, The Hair”.

No, seriously, that’s what she says. What does that even mean?

Again, moving on. Jacob shows up as a surprise for Bella. “Now everything’s perfect”, she says, because now she can fuck with his emotions, and that’s what Bella does best. They have a dance scene, which again, is much more natural and cute than anything we have seen her do with Eddy-kins. AKA: lots of face stroking, looking pained/constipated, and making out.

Anyway, Bella lets it slip that, like an idiot, she’s still going to be a human when she and Edward have sex, despite the fact that Edward could kill her if he looses his head in a situation like that. Jacob, because he’s actually nice, is freaked out that Bella would risk that, not that Bella The Bitch deserves it. He almost transforms into a wolf because of his anger and worry, but is calmed down at the last minute and stalks out.

Bella and Edward leave on their honeymoon, which is in Brazil. Nice, subtle shot of the giant Jesus statue by the way, movie.

They get settled in, and things get increasingly awkward as the two realize that they are going to have sex. Bella goes to freshen up, and Edward says “Let’s go for a swim”. In other words, “Lets have your first time in sandy water at an awkward angle surrounded by fish.”

Anyway, we get scenes of Bella brushing her teeth, shaving, and then sitting in the bathroom floor for what feels like hours.

“I’ve been here for hours! Some fish latched onto my dick!”

She walks up to him, they talk for a minute, continuing to stare into each other’s eyes. Damn, he seems even less ready for this than she does.

“I promised we’d try,” he says.

Actual moment where he said that line. To me, it seems more like: “Sorry if I can’t get it up, but I’m not even looking at your tits, still thinking about that fish.”

They make out some, and then we switch to them in the bedroom (guess they decided Eddy might get it up inside), and oh god this is the silliest sex scene ever.

Not only does he break the headboard, but we get a lot of silly shots of them looking at each other, looking like they’re in pain, and then it fades to black. We fade back in a moment later to find Bella sleeping, feathers from the pillows floating around her. Because I guess Eddy-kinds shredded a few in the night.

Anyway, immediately after this, Bella flashes back to what we just saw, and starts…touching herself.

Okaaaay then.

Eddy freaks out because she has a few bruises as a result of their headboard-snapping times, but while in the books she was described as having bruises pretty much everywhere, there’s only a few here, and honestly you can get bruises during normal, non-headboard breaking, sex.

Anyway, Eddy refuses to have sex with her anymore until he changes her into a vampire. Bella for some reason thinks this means she won’t enjoy sex anymore, and won’t let him. So, they are forced to actually spend time together.

They go swimming, scuba diving, watch movies, play chess-

And seriously, the chess pieces are red and white?

SYMBOLISM. CAN YOU TELL? CAN YOU TELL ITS SYMBOLIC HAHAHA! MAYBE IF I SCREAM LOUDER YOU WILL BE ABLE TO TELL.
SYMBOLISM!!!!

Okay, whatever. The point is, they actually spend time together, and its the first time in all of these movies, that they actually seem like a couple. They laugh. No, really, they actually laugh together. And its believable, not creepy, and verging on sweet! The montages of them acting like a couple in love are legitly cute, but then I remember that this is Breaking Dawn and I am sad.

Just wait for it folks. If you haven’t heard what happens next, you’re in for it.

Anyway, Bella I guess has her first wet dream and begs Eddy to have sex with her again. He relents, and there’s more weird bed-breaking sex.

The maids/handyman show up to clean up the mess they’ve been making of the bedrooms, and there’s some “GASP”-ing because the woman senses that Eddy is a vampire and freaks, running away. We also get a cut of Jacob that lasts about two seconds, and then we’re back to Bella, who is now throwing up.

Eddy-kins shows up, and Bella claims that she must have food poisoning.

I’m just going to stand here and watch you throw up now.

While digging for some medicine or something in her bag, Bella comes across her tampons and realizes that she is late for her period, and therefore, pregnant.

No, you heard me right. Edward Cullen of the hundred-year dead sperm, impregnated Bella.

Never thought I’d have to use this twice, you know.

Bella seems to take the whole pregnancy thing rather well, as she looks at her stomach in the mirror, and notices that there is a slight bump. Then, the fetus moves.

Okay, okay, hold the fuck up.

This, is what her stomach looks like right now:

There is no fucking room in her belly for anything that would make that kind of movement right now.

Anyway, they call Carlisle, the vampire doctor, and Bella tells him what’s going on, while Eddy-kins is a dick and calls the fetus a thing, saying that they will get it out of her.

What the flying fuck, man? This is your child! Being worried about what could happen- fair, okay, but straight up telling your wife that you are going to abort “this thing”?! You asshole!

I’ve been wanting to use this gif for ages.

But, surprise surprise, Bella stands up to him for the first time ever, calls Rosalie and makes plans for the baby to be protected.

Cut back to Forks Washington, Bella is home now, and Jacob is coming to see her. Bella looks awful, because apparently the baby is killing her, and growing at a super fast rate. Despite it only being a few months, Bella’s basically ready to pop.

Edward convinces Jacob to try and talk Bella out of having the baby, offering for Jacob to get her pregnant after they abort this one if Bella wants a baby so badly.

God dammit, Jacob calls the baby a thing too. Well, fuck.

There’s a sort of council of Elrond-esque meeting for the wolves, all of whom are more freaked out about the baby, than the idea of a fully-vamped Bella for some reason.

Jacob calls it quits with his pack, creating his own, and two others (brother and sisters Seth and Leah) join him. Seth is sweet and nice, while Leah is actually relatable and has actual problems.

The other wolves declare war and surround the house. Esme (Eddy’s vampire “mom”) says that no one has gone hunting for weeks-

Wait. Uh, why? Do you all just wait until you are absolutely starving to go hunting? Isn’t that kind of dangerous?

Whatever. The baby has grown big enough to the point where it starts breaking Bella’s bones. Ew.

They discover that the baby wants to drink blood, and have Bella drink it so that the baby will drink it in turn.

Ew. Ew. Ew.

Bella drops the cup of blood, tries to pick it up, and there is a horrible sound of bones snapping as Bella folds backward, and starts giving birth. Its a really yucky, bloody affair, like most births, only in most births the father of the child doesn’t bite the baby out of the mother in a horrific version of a c-section.

The baby is a girl, who Bella names Renesmee (ugh), but a mere few seconds after holding her baby Bella succumbs to her injuries and starts to die. Desperate to save her life, Edward injects his venom into her heart, but it doesn’t seem to work and everyone thinks that Bella is dead.

Jacob, heartbroken, decides to kill the baby, but stops the moment her eyes meet his.

He suddenly seems to have a vision of the child growing up, and discovers that he loves her.

No, I’m serious. The werewolf has fallen in love with the half vampire baby.

I knew this was going to happen, and still, its just- AGH.

HOW CAN ANYONE THINK THIS IS CUTE?!

An adult male is looking at this hours-old infant and thinking that one day they will be lovers. That he loves her. That he will protect her and groom her to be his wife-

Oh god, so much RAGE.

Anyway, the wolves come, Jacob tells them that he has found tru wuv with an infant, no one is disturbed, and a few days later Bella opens her now red eyes, revealing that she is, in fact, a vampire now.

So, this is what all those movies of melodrama and face stroking have been leading up to- ripping a baby out with teeth, a werewolf falling in love with said baby, and a whiny teenager gaining immortality.

God fucking dammit.

Beowulf

A basic backstory: The tale of a hero named Beowulf, who defeats the monster Grendel that his terrorizing a Mead hall whenever people have parties. Grendel’s mother is still around, and so Beowulf finishes her off too, just to be tidy. Eventually he becomes a King of the Geats in Sweeden. After a long time ruling, he is  killed by a dragon and buried respectfully, having been a good and strong king.

Oh, wait, that’s the epic poem’s story. Here’s the 2007 movie version:

A CGI hero named Beowulf defeats a poor and deformed creature, and goes to finish the job by killing its momma. Only to discover that the deformed creature inherited the father’s looks; Grendel’s Mom Has Got It Goin’ On. He fucks the demon hottie, goes on to become king with a wife who can’t stand him since he’s unfaithful, and ends up getting killed by his own son the demon hottie gives birth to years later.

They use the term ‘based on’ pretty loosely these days don’t they?

Anyway, the film starts out with Beowulf being macho and competing in some sort of swimming contest, just to prove he’s awesome and can’t be defeated. Tales of his awesomness travel pretty far, and soon King Hrothgar (voiced, and…based, I guess, on Anthony Hopkins, since everything is CGI,  yet they try really hard to make it look like the actors in costume) calls upon Beowulf to come and save his Mead Hall. Guess the Sweedish really know how to party. Turns out they are being terrorized by Grendel, a creature that looks like a melting ET, with a physical handicap that makes him suffer horrible pain whenever he hears loud noises, hence why he went after the Mead hall.

King Hrothgar, is chubby and drunk, but has a beautiful wife (Played by/modeled after Robin Wright Penn) who Beowulf openly flirts with. Anyway, they throw a party to draw out Grendel. These guys  could give frat boys a run for their money.

Grendel, in serious fucking pain, shows up, trying to stop the noise before his ears start bleeding.

Jeez. Already I’m feeling sorry for this thing, and it looks like a melting candle with limbs.

Anyway, because Grendel has no weapons, Beowulf decides to fight it…naked. Alrighty.

The next few minutes turn into Spot The Cockblock, and I mean that in the literal sense of the word. Desperate to keep their PG-13 rating, the people behind this movie found many MANY hilarious ways to block Beowulf’s penis from view, including and not limited to: A Candle, arms, a wooden beam, the hilt of a sword, and the winner: spilling blood.

I’m not kidding. Actually, that was the most fun I had during the movie. Unfortunately, none of the man-butt was blocked.

Anyway, Beowulf discovers Grendel’s weakness to sound, and exploits this, actually punching out his eardrum, ugh, and then proceeding to tear off his arm. Jesus, all Grendel wanted to do was file a noise complaint!

In all seriousness, I watch this poor thing slither along the ground, using the last of his strength to crawl to his mother’s home, and I really really do not want it to die. I mean, it literally couldn’t help it, the sound was destroying him, and now…

Grendel dies in his mother’s arms, and she swears revenge. Back at the Mead Hall, Beowulf celebrates his victory, and King Hrothgar awards him with a golden drinking horn of some kind of importance that I don’t really care about or catch.

In the night, Grendel’s mother comes and slaughters all of Beowulf’s men; Beowulf and his friend are only spared by not being present in the Mead hall with the others. As a result, they swear to kill Grendel’s mother as well. For some reason only Beowulf goes in the cave where she lives (cause he’s so awesome he doesn’t need backup I guess) and she appears: the horrible demon hag who murders people and killed all his men. She is so going down-

-on the cave floor so he can fuck her properly.

She offers to make him the greatest king evar, totally you guys, if he’s willing to give her another son to replace Grendel, and if he lets her keep the drinking horn he was just given. Beowulf is all:

And forgets about his slaughtered men, gettin down and dirty with the woman who’s son he just murdered. I also feel the need to mention that she seems to have pointy heels, like high heels, I guess because it makes her legs sexier, but one would hope guys would be slightly disturbed by pointy heels of skin, no matter how hot her legs were.

Anyway, he emerges from the cave, claiming to have killed her. When he returns, Hrothgar realizes he didn’t kill the mother, and implying that he fell into the same trap and was in fact Grendel’s father. Turns out this is why his wife doesn’t sleep with him, and aside from the whole cheating thing, I can’t blame her. Obviously Hrothgar’s genes suck ass. Hrothgar gets depressed, announces Beowulf is king (giving him his wife to boot) and commits suicide very suddenly.

Fast forward x number of years, and we find Beowulf is still king, roughly in his fifties or sixties, and hey, his wife refuses to sleep with him just like the last king because he slept with a water demon. A fire demon would be another matter, of course. So, Beowulf has a pretty blond concubine to keep him busy and say flattering things.

Some slave finds the horn Beowulf gave Grenel’s mother, and brings it back. The mom claims this violates their agreement years ago and slaughters a village, leaving only one alive to give the message to Beowulf that she is coming…with his son, who just so happens to be a golden dragon.

^ Clearly, this is what Beowulf has.

Anyway, Beowulf and dragon fight, Beowulf sorta patches things up with his wife, and is all: “brb, gotta go kill my son” and this part is sort of cool if only for the dragon. The fight goes on for a bit, Beowulf gets his arm caught in a chain around the dragon’s neck, cuts off his arm, cuts out the dragon’s heart, and falls to the ground. He is mortally wounded, and manages a few dying words and to clap the son he just killed on the shoulder before he dies.

Like seriously. Dude.  After you killed the son of the previous king, fucked the mother of said demon, which led to the king’s suicide, you have now killed your own son. Why the fuck are you clapping his shoulder? “Way to die, kid. I’m so proud.”

Blah blah blah, Beowulf is given a funeral, and his buddy, who’s name escapes me, is selected as king. Grendel’s mom shows up to put the moves on him, and-

-its over?

Huh. That was…abrupt.

And yet…I don’t really care.

Wizards of Waverly Place

I hate this show. I hate it.

Ahem. Sorry, had to get that out at least once before I started.

Anyway, Wizards of Waverly Place is a television show that airs on the Disney Channel (leave now while you still can!) about a family trying to live a normal life. Only problem? All three of the children are wizards. The father used to be one too, but he gave up his powers so that he could marry his wife. Now he trains his children as best as he can, and one day the kids will have to fight each other to determine who will keep their powers. Add in the fact that they have to deal with all the normal stuff teenagers go through, and the show is a wanna-be hilarious mash of annoyance and one liners.

Episode One: The Crazy Ten Minute Sale

Oh boy, an episode about a teenage girl who just HAS to get that outfit. Glorious.

Look, a disclaimer for you all: I just got out of high school. Its not like I didn’t know girls like this (can you tell I wasn’t one of them?), its just that in television, they shouldn’t be the heroes, and their behavior and the length they go through for selfish reasons shouldn’t be waved away with a sort of “oh, you” moment. Its not funny. Its fucking annoying. Especially when their actions ARE called out, and then they don’t learn anything from what they did.

Anyway, the show opens with the dad, Jerry, trying to teach his kids some sort of duplication spell on a rabbit.

To which the youngest son, Max, says the only funny line: “Leave them alone long enough and they’ll duplicate by themselves.”

Anyway, the older brother Justin, who is supposed to be the no fun-teacher’s pet-perfectionist, does the spell and for some reason the rabbit he makes…barks. Alrighty then. Then, despite the fact that his dad just watched him do the spell, and that he set up the rabbit himself, Jerry gets confused about which is which for several moments while a laugh track plays.

Why do I have a feeling that they play that so the creators can assure themselves that somewhere, SOMEONE, could be laughing too?

Oh boy, here comes my favorite: Alex.

The middle child, and the selfish, rude, obnoxious teenager who would rather get a jacket at a store than learn MAGIC. Look, they’re not trying to teach her math here. If she learns magic, she could learn to teleport herself directly to whatever store she wanted! Or if she felt like taking her time she could fly there! How am I supposed to have sympathy for a girl whining about how she can’t go to a sale when the alternative is learning how to make stuff out of thin air?

I hate this girl. She thinks she’s funny and clever when she’s not, she treats her family like shit, she always does what she wants for her own selfish desires, damn the consequences, and she hardly gets called out on it. When she does, she says I’m sorry and does another stupid, selfish, mean, thing in the next episode. She is a BRAT.

Brb, raging.

Anyway, her dad says no, Alex, pouts, and we get the theme song, lyrics posted here for your viewing pleasure:

Well you know everything’s gonna be a breeze
that the end will no doubt justify the means
You could fix any problem at the slightest ease
Yes, please…
Well you might find out It’ll go to your head
When you write a report on a book you never read
With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed
That’s what I said

Everything is not what it seems
When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams
You might run into trouble if you go to extremes
Because everything is not what it seems

Everything is not what it seems
When you can get what you want by the simplest of means
Be careful not to mess with the balance of things
Because everything is not what it seems

AKA: I can do whatever I want, suckas, but to make the moral people feel better I’ll try and make it sound like that could possibly be considered a bad thing.

After the song (and a commercial break for the lucky ones who aren’t watching this on youtube like me) we cut to Alex at school, and are introduced to her best friend Harper, who, unlike Alex, manages to not annoy me completely in the first few minutes, but she still says some dumb jokes.

Turns out the reason Alex wants to go to the ‘crazy ten minute sale’ so badly is to show up a mean girl named GG. I’m not sure how going to a sale ‘show’s up’ another girl that will be at the same sale…is Alex supposed to buy more clothes or something?

Anyway, as Alex is telling Harper that she can’t go, Mean Blond #1 (AKA: GG) shows up, wearing a skirt that would never be allowed in any of the schools I’ve been to. Its an obnoxious scene where their hair flies out behind them while they do their ‘I’m so much better than you’ walk, and then, LOL its revealed to be because of a fan behind them!

Only, with how the fan is positioned, it should be blowing their hair in their faces.

Blah blah, the girls all take digs at each other (why is the blond girl always the mean one? All the mean girls I knew had varying hair colors) about their clothing/appearance. GG’s minions for some reason are wearing bandages on their noses, and- HOLY FUCK THEY GOT NOSEJOBS TO BE LIKE THEIR LEADER.

This is accompanied with adoring looks at GG that seem to go a little beyond normal girl awe. As in, “EVERYTHING I DO IS FOR YOU DON’T LEAVE MEEEEEEEE!”

This shit, is why I hate how teenage girls are portrayed in most media. We’re not all fucking off our rockers, thank you, and wouldn’t you rather watch the ones that are sane?

Anyway, after more oh so mean comments, GG leaves, and Alex vows to find some way to go to the sale.

This is so riveting, folks.

We get a short scene of Max with his dad, talking about getting a wand, and his dad tries to give him the kind of wand you would see a magician with a top hat wear. There’s some lame bantering, and more laugh track.

Why would I want to see a TV show about a girl who wants to go to a sale? Where is the excitement in that?

Alex decides to duplicate herself with magic, and again, for some reason, the duplicate barks. If that was what I really heard from Alex’s mouth, I wouldn’t care so much about her talking. Alex heads off for the sale, unaware that her mom is also heading there. Oh the tension, it burns.

Blah blah blah, Harper is silly and dresses silly, Alex’s mom tries too hard to be ‘cool’ (As with the blonds, I’ve known few adults that actually do that) and Harper must find ways to make Alex and her mom not see each other, AND DEAR GOD THERE IS A LAUGH TRACK AFTER EVERY SINGLE LINE.

NONE OF THESE JOKES ARE FUNNY.

Okay, only a little more to go. I can get through this.

In a subplot, Max must try and get his dad to believe the duplicate is Alex, and he accidentally breaks his dad’s wand. To which he says: “Either I broke dad’s wand or I just cracked my butt knuckle.”

Well, on that note, the sale starts, “hilarity” ensues by Alex and GG searching for a jacket they both want, while both Alex and Harper dodge Alex’s mom. Back at the house, Alex’s dad Jerry says her willingness to give up shopping to study magic is commendable, so she is now allowed to go to the sale. He discovers her deception when the duplicate fails to respond. What’s the use of these things if they just sit there, staring?

Dear god this is so boring.

Have I mentioned that it has strange transitions in the vein of ‘That 70’s Show’, too?

Max gets his new wand, and uses it on the duplicate, unwittingly causing the real Alex to do the same things the duplicate does (hitting itself, spinning wildly) and I have to admit I could watch Alex hitting herself for HOURS.

Jerry comes to bust Alex, Alex finds the jacket she was searching for, and decides to get back at GG by saying over the store intercom that GG’s real name is Gertrude. How…embarassing? I guess?

Alex is grounded, apologizes despite not really learning anything, and as we go into the credits we get an extra scene of her father asking Alex to duplicate him so that he can go dancing with his wife, and catch ‘the big game’ on TV. What, can they not record? And why would he want her to do that, when so far all the duplicates have been stupid and barking? And why were none of these jokes funny? And why is Alex the main character when I would really rather watch the rabbit than her and listen to her stupid, selfish, bratty voice and annoying character, and god damn do I want to see Harry Potter or Hermione Granger kick this bitch’s ass-

AND ITS OVER!

For me, anyway. If you ever see this show pop up on TV, know that you’ll have more fun watching a plate revolve in the microwave.

Thor: A Snark

Background info, for those who don’t know: In the latest string of superhero movies, Thor is the first to be about a god. Based on the comic book character of the same name, the movie tells the story of an arrogant but powerful god of thunder who must learn what it means to be a true warrior, and a true king.

See, now if the movie had really been like that, this wouldn’t be a snark. Beware of massive spoilers!

The movie starts out with Natalie Portman playing what looks like a tornado chaser, while she and her friends/colleagues, (including the math teacher from Good Will Hunting) and a teenager, race into a swirling storm of some kind, only to hit the protagonist with her car.

Could happen to anyone, I’m sure.

Apparently, hitting a guy with a car doesn’t carry much importance these days, because we cut to Odin (played by Anthony Hopkins), Thor’s father, narrating. He tells us that his kind have been protecting all these worlds from the threat of the Frostgiants, a people consisting mostly of average, humaniod creatures that look like The Nightcrawler’s cousins. Odin even protected Earth from their advances, by pretty much decimating the entire people.

Despite this awesome act, forgetful humans eventually don’t even remember what Odin did for us! He brought “peace to the universe”! His homeland is peaceful, even the home of the frostgiants is quiet…peace, peace, peace, peace, peace.

Did he just not notice all the wars that have been fought on Earth in all this time? Or is he letting us fight each other for shits and giggles?

Aaanyway, turns out this was just a bedtime story (innit wonderful when children go to sleep after tales of slaughter?) and we are introduced to a young Thor, and his brother, Loki.

Srsly. Loki looks nothing like any of the other people, let alone his family. He is so very obviously adopted, and I’m sure this won’t lead to anything vengeful, predictable, or stupid, later. Nope. No chance.

Fastforward x number of years, and we are at the day of Thor’s coronation! BUT, before you get all cozy, the Frostgiants attempt to steal an artifact Odin took from them long ago. Though, I have no idea why they need it, since their powers seem to work just fine without it. They’re stopped in the end, but Thor is pissy they got so close and ruined his big-boy day.

Thor wants revenge, Dad forbids it, and Thor goes to his friends for help in attacking the Frostgiants. And I could not tell you his friend’s names, no matter how much you asked, because that’s how big of an impact they made. There’s one who loves to eat, a tomboy, a martial artist, and a sort of pirate. Anyway, Loki is there too and he ‘inadvertently’ gives Thor the idea to defy their father and attack the Frostgiants on their planet.

I say ‘inadvertently’, because obvious villain is obvious. I mean, his fuckin’ name is LOKI. God of mischief, anyone? Add in the fact that everyone else is so sparkly they put Edward Cullen to shame, while he is small and in dark clothing, and I don’t think anyone above the age of five will be surprised by his later actions.

So, Thor endangers himself and his friends, because he cannot take being called a princess. I totally expect one of his friends to die so the movie can say it was edgy without people being too upset, but nope, Odin comes in to save the day when the kids are overwhelmed. The Frostgiants openly declare war, and Odin brings Thor home, berating him for his stupidity and rash action. As the two argue, Odin declares that Thor is not ready to be king, and takes away his powers, throwing him down to Earth as a human. He stores Thor’s power in his hammer, saying that only “one who is worthy” will gain the power, and then throws that down to Earth too.

Ummm. Wouldn’t it be better to keep that up with you, since you’re at war and all? Clearly Odin can wield it just fine.

Soooo, we cut to the beginning of the movie, and discover that, LOL, Natalie Portman wasn’t running over an indestructable GOD, but a normal buff human! Hilarious.

Turns out Portman’s name in the movie is Jane, and she’s an astrophysicist, she was studying the storm, when she ran into our exiled God. Anyway, she and her friends tumble out to see if they killed the guy. Jane, ‘I Know What You Did Last Time There Was A Freaky Storm’. Prepare to die by hook.

But no, Thor, despite being hit by a CAR, is fine. And, even though they just hit him with a car, the other girl gets freaked by his behavior and tasers him…which for some reason knocks him out.

…Tasers don’t knock you out. They IMMOBILIZE you. You’re awake the whole time. I know its done in a lot of movies, but check the almighty google machine if you don’t believe me.

On the upside though, this means he’s quiet. 😀 I’m tired of his forced arrogance.

Blah blah blah, highjinks insue (“I am THOR GOD OF THUNDER!” “Lol, no.”) The people of Earth find Thor’s Hammer, and a contest akin to that of The Sword In The Stone ensues, where everyone brings their beer and tries to pull it out. I’m not kidding. A bunch of hicks in pickup trucks come and have a barbeque while all their manly men try to pull the hammer from the ground.

SHIELD shows up to ruin their fun, and sets up a facility around the hammer in record time. Wow, out of all those people, no one was more worthy than arrogant Thor? Humans suck. 😦

More highjinks, as Jane hits Thor with her car again (who gave this woman a license? Its not like Thor is hard to spot!) and Thor discovers the wonders of coffee and pop tarts. Jane tries to teach him some manners which is…remarkably easy. Wow, he was so arrogant I could literally see her breaking a sweat when she told him to not do something and HE LISTENED. Anyway, SHIELD comes to take all of Jane’s research on the strange storm/wormhole (which leads to Asgard, apparently) and Thor promises he’ll get it back for her when he goes to get his hammer too.

Meanwhile, back on Asgard, Loki discovers that he was (GASP) adopted! He is in fact a Frostgiant (again, why are they called this? Most of them aren’t that big!) that Odin found in the aftermath of the war and took home in hopes of someday uniting both peoples.

Loki is all “WAAAH YOU ALWYAS LIKED THOR BEST AND NOW I KNOW WHY”

Anyway, the shock of Loki’s anger and sadness makes the powerful Odin…faint.

Apparently this is the Odinsleep. Okay.

……

……

…..

Uh, y’know, just giving it a name doesn’t really tell us what it is. Is it a coma? Some kind of hibernation? Must he wait for True Love’s First Kiss? The way everyone is talking about it, either they were expecting it or this has happened before. Thor may be arrogant (well, sort of), but at least he stays awake in a crisis!

Anyway, this meas Loki is King. Dunno why, since they have a perfectly awake Queen, but whatevs. And then he decides to go to the King of the Frostgiants, telling him that he has a chance to kill Odin now, and revealing that he was the one who let in the Frostgiants during Thor’s coronation.

I am so startled right now.

Thor tries to break into SHIELD’s facility, but when he reaches the hammer, he is unable to lift it.

Well, duh. Did you not hear your dad when he said he was taking your powers, and that only someone worthy could use them? That means he thinks that YOU ARE NOT WORTHY.

He’s captured, and questioned by the agents. Loki comes to visit, using his magic to disguise himself as another agent. He tells Thor that their father is dead, and that Thor has to stay on Earth…blah blah blah…wish something interesting would happen…

Jane’s friend/professor/father figure comes and gets Thor out, and Thor spends another day on Earth, while he and Jane make big eyes at each other.

Odin’s friends-whatever their names are- don’t like Loki as King and convince the Gatekeeper (played by Idris Elba, and who is honestly the only character I like so far) to let them Travel to Earth. Loki, discovering their plan, sends a sort of destroying robot after them, to kill them and Thor.

Can you feel the brotherly love?

Maybe not, but I can sense the yaoi fanfictions coming.

Blah blah, the robot beats Thor’s friends easily (guess Thor’s the only really powerful one, despite his friend’s reputation as warriors) and Thor sacrifices himself, which I guess means he’s worthy now (especially since he’s stopped shattering coffee cups) so the hammer becomes a magnet and flies into his hand.

THOR IS BACK, BABY.

He defeats the robot as easily as the robot defeated his friends, and flies off to Asgard, after kissing Jane and promising that he will return.

“Oh woman that I have known for two days….how I love you…parting is such sweet sorrow…!”

Back at the shiny Oz replica that is Asgard, Loki betrays the Frostgiant king, killing him, so that he looks like a hero and his father will love him, despite the fact that he already loved him.

Loki also plans to destroy ALL the Frostgiants (guess blood isn’t thicker than water, huh?) as well as the Bifrost bridge that lets them cross to other worlds. Don’t know what the rest of them did to piss him off, but whatever.

Thor shows up, they fight, and Thor destroys the bridge to stop Loki’s plan. Odin, sensing the distress of his sons, wakes up, and flies over to save them from falling off the edge.

Loki, unable to face his father’s disappointment, lets go of Thor’s hand and lets himself fall into the abyss.

Which would be sad, if I didn’t know that he survives (how is anyone’s guess).

BUT, this means out lovers of two days are separated! D:

…at least, until The Avengers comes out.

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!

…well, no, not really.

Welcome to geekerynthings, the blog for snarking, reviewing, and hopefully a lack of supreme stupidity. Sorta in the vein of the Nostalgia Critic, I’ll be writing snarks/reviews of many different things, in just about any form of media. Sorry if I insult something you hold dear, but that’s life. Laugh, or disagree, or be a flaming troll. I’ll have fun laughing at your angry reaction.

Beware of soapboxes, the abuse of gifs, and possible capsrape.